ambiii

i am not everyone's cup of tea and i will never be. people might misunderstood my choices, but it is never my thing giving out explanation when i know i don't owe them one. that’s why i let people see me as how they see. define me as how they define me.  i have so much more to prove to myself. i am yet to understand how things work for me, and yet to define my purpose. negative feedback will never be out from the narrative but i no longer want to leave a space for them to get stuck in the corner and drown myself with the thoughts of believing in them.  i am into nurturing and feeding my soul with peace, growth, pure connection and happiness. and now they asked me, should they be enough reasons why i rarely have many people around?  i always choose to whom i want to show my garden to, and it's not necessary to let everyone in.

Thinking about the future can sometimes be scary. I feel like some people have their lives figured out while I, on the other hand, feel like I am trying to still find my place in the world. Sometimes, I look at the sky and pray for a sign just to know if I am doing okay. Yet, there are times that I just have to do the best in anyway I can. I appreciate the conversations I have with people who used to be on the same place I am now, and it feels comforting that it's not impossible to make it. I am optimistic that I, too, will find my purpose in life. A purpose that would make me wanna wake up in a morning with a warm smile to my face. I know such a day would feel like standing in the rain after years of drought. It would feel like beholding the light after years of being without one. I've been told that fortune favours the brave. And so, I feel maybe it's okay if I don't have everything figured out. Maybe it's okay to not know all the answers right now. I...

I’m starting to learn on how to compress all my sadness and later on I’ll just burst it all at once, it’s like a normal thing for me to do —to just let sadness takes over my inner emotions and just let it sink in, because life is not perfect as we imagine.  There were times where i feel so numb, times where i feel so exhausted, moments where i feel so empty and plain and at the end of the day i promise myself to deal with it later on.  I assure myself to burst it all out and express them as much as i could and for me it’s a practice where i have that time for myself thinking the steps i need to do in order to solve them and for me to breathe and to meditate.  Don’t just let your problems or hurdles consumes you but in order to set yourself in it you must have concrete plans on how are you going to resolve it.  Don’t let bad circumstances takes over your inner emotions but always have that assurance to motivate yourself every time.   I know that ...

people grow, people change. that’s how it is with us. we used to believe in “if they want to talk to you, they’ll take out time for you.” now, you know, that’s just not possible on most days. when you are free, they are working. when you’re busy, they are available. and when you both get some free time, you just want to be able to spend it with yourself. maybe watching a movie or just scroll Instagram. we grew up watching movies that made us believe an unrealistic version of love. the truth is that love is so different. it’s calmer, less passionate, and less dramatic. they’d ask if you missed them, and the answer should be – yes, you did. but so many times, that’s not true. you were too busy to think about them, or anything else. and if you can tell that your partner honestly, you know you two have something special and candid, something most of us keep looking for in a relationship. and if you have that, hold onto it.

Life will make you feel worst sometimes and good sometimes. It will continue to be uncertain, challenging and difficult at times. It will continue to give you vague road signs. It will continue to toss you and spin you around until you will lose balance. It will continue to push you around not until you learn how things work for you, whether you go along with it and be complacent or fight back and take risks. But it is never less true that living through its stormy scene and getting through every rough road are parts of it— you will still continue to find yourself moving forward, you will still continue to find reasons to ride another train, you will still continue to live and breathe. You may have bottled up a lot of fears and uncertainties at night, but you will still find yourself giving everything a shot the next day.  And I think that is beautiful to see somehow—to carry on regardless of what life may throw at us.

When did it become so easy to pretend? Pretending that everything is fine, that I'm not in pain, that I'm not broken, that I'm happy and contented with my life. I'm pretending so hard that I think it's all true. I forgot that I'm just pretending and forcing myself to act in front of everyone. The world has given me so much pain that I'm used at burying my emotions and pretended they didn't exist. I maybe breaking from the inside but I won't tell them. I can't show the parts of me that I hid so well so that no one gets to know my struggles. But I've become so tired of pretending and wonder if how I'm gonna end this pretention. I've wanted to heal from all the pain I've stuffed deep down and I suddenly realized—I couldn't heal because I kept pretending I wasn't hurt.