ambiii

people grow, people change. that’s how it is with us. we used to believe in “if they want to talk to you, they’ll take out time for you.” now, you know, that’s just not possible on most days. when you are free, they are working. when you’re busy, they are available. and when you both get some free time, you just want to be able to spend it with yourself. maybe watching a movie or just scroll Instagram. we grew up watching movies that made us believe an unrealistic version of love. the truth is that love is so different. it’s calmer, less passionate, and less dramatic. they’d ask if you missed them, and the answer should be – yes, you did. but so many times, that’s not true. you were too busy to think about them, or anything else. and if you can tell that your partner honestly, you know you two have something special and candid, something most of us keep looking for in a relationship. and if you have that, hold onto it.

Life will make you feel worst sometimes and good sometimes. It will continue to be uncertain, challenging and difficult at times. It will continue to give you vague road signs. It will continue to toss you and spin you around until you will lose balance. It will continue to push you around not until you learn how things work for you, whether you go along with it and be complacent or fight back and take risks. But it is never less true that living through its stormy scene and getting through every rough road are parts of it— you will still continue to find yourself moving forward, you will still continue to find reasons to ride another train, you will still continue to live and breathe. You may have bottled up a lot of fears and uncertainties at night, but you will still find yourself giving everything a shot the next day.  And I think that is beautiful to see somehow—to carry on regardless of what life may throw at us.

When did it become so easy to pretend? Pretending that everything is fine, that I'm not in pain, that I'm not broken, that I'm happy and contented with my life. I'm pretending so hard that I think it's all true. I forgot that I'm just pretending and forcing myself to act in front of everyone. The world has given me so much pain that I'm used at burying my emotions and pretended they didn't exist. I maybe breaking from the inside but I won't tell them. I can't show the parts of me that I hid so well so that no one gets to know my struggles. But I've become so tired of pretending and wonder if how I'm gonna end this pretention. I've wanted to heal from all the pain I've stuffed deep down and I suddenly realized—I couldn't heal because I kept pretending I wasn't hurt.

In all the times you've asked if I love you, I've never thought why I wouldn't. Cliche as it may sound, I hope you see me the way I see you; otherwise, you would not have asked that question. But since you are unable to do so, I will tell you why.  Your smile is one of the reasons I adore you. I know how much you despise your crooked teeth and how you hate smiling in pictures. But your face changes when you smile, you were happy and I could tell. It puts my mind at ease all at once. Your eyes, it twinkle with delight as you tell me about your interests. These eyes have seen me. The way you look at me, like looking through my soul. It made me feel things I'd never felt before. Of all the people you could look at, you chose to look in my direction.  Your heart, your kind heart. It was big and filled with love. You made me fall in love with things I never thought I’d fall in love with. You were selfless and understand everyone's predicament. You've alwa...

No one lived a harder life than those who grew up with emotionally distant family. No one  has suffered more trauma than those who didn’t find love where they needed it the most. So before you make a family please be sure that you are capable of providing the necessary love and emotional support to other, you’re capable of carrying other human beings burdens just like you carry yours without complaining or abandonment. And when you make a family make sure you and your partner share the same values and want the same things, make sure you both won’t repeat any wrongs that have been done to you. Make sure you both create a healthy loving atmosphere for the whole family to prosper and grow, be your family’s warm haven, be their support and there home. . When you make a family use your trauma as lessons not to be repeated  break the cycle of Any abuse and make love your first rule.

The worst person to be around is someone who complains about everything and appreciates nothing. What ungrateful people fail to understand is even the nicest people have their limits. At some point, you'll realize you have done too much for someone and that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. This is not giving up, this is you drawing the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours. What is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

Some days I feel stagnant. Just here, laying day in bed. Not even knowing my purpose. Not even knowing what I want to do in my life. Slowly realizing that I've been out of the lane for a long time. Slowly seeing where my mishaps brought me. I feel like I'm still running in circles. Every day feels like just one day of my usual routine. I wake up. I eat. I take a bath. I spend my time using my phone. I watch the same series. I go to sleep. The next day, still the same stuff I've been doing for the past weeks. Some days I feel like I don't care enough. Whatever happens, happens. I let everything flow even if it's not according to my plan. I don't even know what to do in my present time let alone for my future. They say your future depends on you, but what if there is no exact future you want to depend to? I know, sounds depressing. Just being honest, there are days I look forward to vibrant colors but also days I just settle for black and white.  Am I ...

After months of believing I was naive for letting you leave the door, your sudden apology validated my struggle. That what I went through was morbid, tragic, helpless, and crucifying. But at that time, we called it being generous in the name of love. Thank you for liberating me from my past self who thought asking for a little more was too much.  I do wish I met you a little later, a little more steady, a little more mature. But don't mistranslate me. Not again. Not until the end. Loving you is the cross I would bear all over again. I would trade my wealth just to replay your voice, your laugh, your gaze, your touch, your grumpiness when you wake up, your silly jokes, your busy times, your shirtless body against the cold, your attempt to sing my favorite tracks, your permission to call, your good morning, your lack of energy to go out, your "I have to go now," and your goodbye.  You were my primetime rom-com I wanted to watch every day. But, without a prelude ...